#now scream with me bc i've been internally screaming about this for years

[the-crooked-library]

On Horror, Queerness, Mirrors, and Dracula

Your wish is my command (you may or may not regret this). 

Here’s the thing - I love horror, and I love patterns, and I think the best horror is always in some sense symmetrical.  It might not be obvious, but what’s the point of staring into an abyss if you can’t see your own face reflected back?  The symmetry itself comes in any number of different twists, whether it is familial, communal, erotic, or individual, and most of these apply to Bram Stoker’s Dracula. 

The centre of our novel rests on the Harkers.  So, starting with Jonathan - his experience in Transylvania is a twisted version of his life back home.  Dracula is reserved but eloquent, seemingly caring and occasionally affectionate, he reads train schedules and they spend hours upon hours in conversation; which is a dark mirror to Jonathan’s train schedule-loving, passionate but serious Mina.  It may even be said that the Count is re-enacting a caricature of traditional heteronormative domesticity - he maintains the household, waits on his guest himself, and blows him kisses from the stairs.  His possessiveness of Jonathan is the only way a vampire like Dracula is capable of understanding the bond Jonathan shares with Mina.  The Count states that he, too, feels love; but he is written by a closeted gay man in the late 19th century, so his imitation of married life is both a lie and a tragedy.  He is a shorthand for forbidden, wrong, and corrupting desires. 

At the same time, Mina herself also has a same-sex connection in the beginning of the story, and her relationship with Lucy mirrors the relationship between Jonathan and Dracula.  They cling to each other, in a sense; despite being excited about the prospect of their impending marriages, there is some trepidation associated with this new stage in life.  A common part of a dowry used to be a shroud, simply due to the frequency at which Victorian wives died in childbirth soon after the wedding; and even provided a survival, the transition to married life was still a loss of innocence.  As such, Lucy’s affection for Mina is the last expression of her girlhood, and she herself is the personification of Mina’s.  Lucy is, therefore, the direct antithesis of the Count; her death and subsequent rising change Mina the same way that Dracula does Jonathan, establishing a firm duality between the Harkers and their respective vampires. 

The other characters are reflections of each other, as well; the suitors defend while the brides terrify, Van Helsing wants to preserve life while Renfield wishes to consume it - and even further, the old Hungarian lady cares enough about  a stranger to give Jonathan a cross for protection, while Lucy’s own mother lets Dracula into the house herself, selfishly ignorant of her daughter’s needs and the doctor’s orders.  Another parallel is drawn again between Jonathan and Renfield, who represents directly what he could have been, had he not escaped from Dracula’s grasp; which makes Renfield’s vehement, last-ditch attempt to protect Mina perhaps all the more poignant.  In him, she sees the resilience of Jonathan’s humanity; while he gets to see exactly what she could become after her turning  - in Dracula himself.  These dualities are integral to the story’s thematic structure, and therefore inextricable from each character’s development. 

There is really too much to say about each individual dynamic to fit into one rant, but for the current purposes, I can forgo the details.  They all converge as it is on Jonathan and Mina, and thus, the central theme of this story is devotion.  If Jonathan had truly broken, like Renfield, Mina would have stayed by his side; and if she had fully turned, like Dracula, he would have adored whatever shred of her still remained.  In madness and in death, in happiness and sorrow, in sickness and in health - until the echoes start to sound like wedding vows. 

@stripedshirtgay​

@bluberimufim​

[ray-winters]

it has (as of a fee days ago) officially been a year since i first saw screamd, and i have got to say it feels like i have lived a MILLION different lives in that time. screamd gave me so much and i genuinely dont know where i’d be without it, or what id be doing right now. its funny how one silly little thing can change so much!!

how does it feel for you? i mean im sure your life has changed a lot since the start of it all

Daaaang dude! Well to be 100%, I'd say that you did do a lot for the show in terms of supporting it & helping to curate a lasting fanbase, so. It's all mutually appreciated 🤘🏻

Long answer below. For me, Scream'd has been the most affirming project I've ever been involved with. I won't lie, I get down on myself from time to time. I'm turning 30 next year and I've never really done like a BROADWAY show, or a tour, or whatever. I know many people who have, so like, it's hard not to compare yourself- though I try not to bc comparison is the death of originality.

But, like. Honestly dude Scream'd changed my life. Regardless of the fact that I've been a huge Scream fan for over a decade, this show is perfect for me. It's spooky, stupid, edgy, and my brand of humor 100%, AND ON TOP OF THAT, it's so gay. It's given everyone at Majestic and me international attention, which is so rad bc I feel like I have this like. Support base out there in the ether. Which when I'm feeling down about myself I remember and it gives me so much like, personal strength/motivation. I've met some people who have genuinely changed my life via this project- such as Joey who is now one of my besties for like the rest of my life, as well as my final girl Liz who shares a brain with me, and so many other new friends. AND NOW I get to share it with my husband when he's on for Dewey, who I've always had a lil crush on.

I feel like I'm a part of something that, regardless how silly it is, means something to a large group of people. It's made with love, performed and produced with love, and 9.9 times out of 10 received with love. And something tells me this is just the beginning. I'm just insanely grateful for all of it.

[owl-does-art]

All For The Game Reread Thoughts!

I'm supposed to be revising for my A levels but instead I've decided to reread aftg (3rd time now) but it has been a Hot Minute since I last read it, so I have decided to compile my Thoughts™

And they are thus:

- Why is Neil pretending to be 19 if he's still in high school? This does not make sense to me

- (Not aftg specific but)The american school year ends in May and starts in August??? This is insane to me

- HE HAS BLACK HAIR???? This whole time I thought it was brown 💀

- Ok Neil being fluent in German makes more sense now knowing he spoke it for 3 years living in Austria, Germany and Switzerland

- Wymack wears jorts lmao

- Didn't realise the foxes were such a young team! This is only their 5th season!

- "It smelled brand new and felt like a dream, and it was all he could do to keep from smashing the taut net against his face." Ummmm Neil bb? Why r u trying to make out w the exy racquet??

- I forgot that Neil knew literally nothing abt the Moriyamas until he was told abt them

- Neil spent 8 months in France and 10 months in Montreal so it makes more sense to me now that he's that good at french

- Ok it says he has black hair multiple times how did I miss this

- "Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he thought perhaps he liked it" AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

- There's a canon band (featured on Kathy's show) called Hobgoblin's Thunder 💀

- "You're going to eat your words. You're going to choke on them" STAAAAAAHHHHPPPPP I'M ACTUALLY SCREAMING NEIL WHY DID YOU DEVOUR SO HARDDDDD

- Holdup the "Andrew's broad shoulders supporting me through life's ups and downs" internal monologue was in book 1??? Damn Neil, you just said you didn't like him 😭

- "What about the line-up?" Kevin asked.

Nicky winced. "Kevin, the man is dead. Like, permanently."

"It's not a major loss," Kevin said. FOULLLLLLLLLL

- I forgot Seth's first name was actually Bryan and Allison's middle name was Jamaica lmao

- "I'm fine" count: 8

*minor edit bc I realised the count was wrong

[altschmerzes]

any more details on jamie settling in living with ted + adjusting to that everything you’ve posted is so good

YES ABSOLUTELY here is, in no particular order, an assortment of details about the process of jamie settling into living with ted and adjusting to that new reality:

(cw for non-detailed references to abuse and ptsd symptoms stemming from abuse trauma)

- when ted first takes jamie home from the hospital, roy goes with them. he sleeps on the couch in ted's flat for over a week before he's finally willing to spend the night in his own house (away from jamie) and that is far from the last time he stays at ted's just because neither of them can stand to be away from the kid overnight. eventually, bc it is murder on his back, roy starts sleeping in ted's room with him when he stays over on those nights, bc their dynamic is evolving too as all this is happening and they get a lot closer as they're like, really in the thick of basically co-parenting this kid together. (i am EARNING my platonic co-parenting tag on this fic okay sdlsk) this part isn't so much about jamie but it's a detail about those early days that i think about a lot.

- in the early days jamie really tries to like- he wants it to be Clear that look i'm not asking for anything i'm not entitled to, this is a Business Arrangement or whatever, you're too good a guy to let me go back to my dad after what happened or keep bouncing around my friends' couches like i've been doing while in london, but i know what this is and what it isn't. and ted's just like. respectfully. i do not think you do.

- (bc obviously ted is like. i did not take in an abused sixteen year old to be my roommate. when he talked to michelle on the phone about what he wanted to do, how he wanted to take action not only to get jamie away from james but to bring him home as well, and he wanted to make sure it wasn't going to be a bad decision for henry's sake, michelle told him to go get his kid. that's what this is. as far as ted's concerned, this was his official step into the role of being this boy's father, and he's going to live up to that.)

- even though ted's never raised a hand to him, it's hard for jamie to believe, really internalize and believe that he's safe there. sometimes, something will trigger him and he'll be pretty sure for at least a brief period of time that ted's going to snap and things are going to get bad. one time when this happens and jamie has a particularly bad panic attack as a result, once he gets calmed down and settled a bit, ted decides to try something new to see if it'll help. he first explains that jamie is never, ever going to be hit here, because this is not a hitting family, and ted is not going to scream and holler at him either. he'll make mistakes, and might raise his voice every so often, but he'll do his best not to and he'll always apologize if it happens, because that's not okay here.

and then after that, after making that extremely clear, ted goes on with his new plan for something that might help:

"Until you can believe me, or any time you’re just not sure, that’s the real nice thing about this community we got here, is you’ve got plenty of real good people around you that you can go to. So if I ever do anything that hurts you or scares you, you can call one of them, and they’ll help you and keep you safe. I’m not ever gonna give you a reason to need to make that call, but it’s important you know that it’s a call you can make. So we’re gonna make a list, okay?"

"A list?"

"A list of people you can call, if I ever hurt you or make you think I’m gonna hurt you. So that you can look at it and know you have choices."

so they make a list. (roy is the first name that goes on it. but they add a lot of others too - beard. higgins. julie. sarah kent. rebecca. mae the pub owner, which gets a laugh out of ted.) (it's a big list, and it's a little overwhelming for jamie to look at. he spent a long time suffering and scared on his own, and now he's only got the memory of that, the way living like that has made him afraid even when he's safe, and he has this whole list of people who'd drop anything to get him out of a bad situation if he just made a phone call.) (ted DOESN'T ever give him reason to use it, but while he's working on believing that ted isn't going to hurt him, even now that jamie lives with him even now that ted is becoming, has become his dad it makes him feel just that much safer to know that even if it did happen, he wouldn't be alone again)

- the first time that jamie's friends come over to hang out is a really, really big deal. not just to jamie (who did not bring friends over to his dad's place) and to ted (who knows it's a big step for him to do this, to take up space like that) but to the kidgang too (they've never seen him like this, without the looming threat of what he went home to hanging over him).

[namjoohyuk]

why are armys so fucking dumb im going to scream… tell me why do they need to trend all this yoongi’s shit when all the other fandoms are (rightfully so) speaking up for seunghan and riize… like, why do you feel like you have to take away attention from an actual issue which is serious and real to speak nonsense??? Nobody is going to kick Yoongi out of bts, that’s not even possible or a thing at this point in time, and it has nothing to do with “armys have his back when no one else does”! YOU ARE SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile a 20 yo has his whole career and life destroyed by some psychos and they can’t put aside their bullshit for an evening and realize how fucked up that is for the industry as a whole. The same industry they basically bankroll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woah woah woah what are you talking about....

what i've mainly seen from armys on my tl is them not only expressing sympathy for the seunghan situation, but also calling out the selective outrage that kpoptwt has every single time something awful happens to an idol or group (which tbh they have a right to do)

lbr for a second....aside from their own fanbases, no one said anything about the lsfm girls nor yoongi getting funeral wreaths in the last few months. people online literally shat on international fans for defending yoongi when domestic fans were ripping him to shreds. and sooo many people (even some of my own mutuals here) were sharing false information from tabloids to villify him and promote hate trains....all this bc simply they don't like the group they're a member of???

but now these are the same people who suddenly grew an empathy chip and are acting morally superior by calling out the insane bullying and hate seunghan received from domestic fans. like they weren't doing exactly that with other groups they didn't like.

also lowkey sick of kpop stans always trying to deflect the actual situation by going "omg look at armys being armys!!!!" every kpop fandom has a group of insane fans who behave like assholes, but why is it that only bts' fandom is held responsible? i can literally name you tumblr & twitter accounts who wished death on bts in the last two years they've been inactive.

i'm all for valid criticism but i'm never down for the sheer hypocrisy i continue to see from kpop stans.

[lunapwrites]

So, I have been kind of Going Through It this month, and I need to scream about it briefly because if I don't I will explode.

General content warning I suppose for health-related stuff and a LOT of discussions about food. Not ED-related.

I'm not going to get into specifics (if you know you will know) but I have an autoimmune disease that has been in remission since... fuck, like... 2015? So I've literally had EIGHT YEARS of smooth sailing. Until this month.

It could have been triggered by one of several things: stress, diet, maybe even the smoke from Canada (which is very possible given the whole immune response bit.) Or it could have just been my time to have a bad time. But either way, I have spent the last couple weeks in the "finding out" phase of the "what the fuck can I eat that won't make me feel like I want to die" game.

It has been extremely trying.

I'm currently on a modified low-FODMAP diet - both less and more restricted bc I can't eat half the shit on it, but also FODMAPs aren't necessarily the trigger - there's just a lot of overlap. Most of what I've been able to successfully tolerate for the last few weeks has been white bread, white rice, eggs, unsweetened applesauce, bananas, and avocado. None of it seasoned. Green and white teas have been mostly OK too.

I don't know if I can really stress enough how fucking miserable this is.

Like seriously I had to sit through a dinner with my in laws where the only actual safe thing for me to eat was kaiser rolls so I ended up sitting there in a small amount of pain for the rest of the evening because I wanted to see if there was ANYTHING I could get away with. I had a plate of brownies in front of me that I literally COULD NOT TOUCH, not because I'm trying to watch my weight, but because I'm trying to be able to walk back to the car under my own power. And it wasn't my in-laws' fault, because they had no idea I'm in the middle of a fucking medical event when they cooked the food, and it's not my partner's fault bc he asked me what I could eat before we even left and I said, honestly, that I had no idea, and let's just play it by ear. (Like an idiot!)

Anyway. I feel like I'm just being whiny about this but like. Cooking was hard enough with how bad my ADHD is, and I was just getting into a rhythm with these meal kits I was trying out, and they are GOOD and I have BEEN ENJOYING THEM but I literally just tried to start eating the occasional salad and my body responded by bleeding internally, and the only thing I can do right now is to just stop actually enjoying food. Which, considering I fucking love food - it's my love language, I find legitimate joy in sharing meals, I even write it into every goddamn fic I've ever written - it is quite possibly one of the most devastating things that could have happened to me. To have this one little thing I found joy in not just be taken away from me, but actively cause me intense pain. And not only that, but to have the solution be something that makes a thing I was already struggling with a million times harder.

This fucking sucks, and I am angry. And also really fucking sad.

It also doesn't help that I have an extremely high chance of developing essential tremors as I get older, which will make things like art and feeding myself next to impossible over time, so like. Really. Really doing a lot to give me things to look forward to in the back half of my life. Thanks, body.

[messybouquetoflilies]

If it wasn't by choice, then it wasn't due diligence. You're stuck in this physical mentality where all you think that matters is what you can see and touch. You've somehow convinced yourself to reject what's true, as if your body matters. As if what you "perceive" matters. You are not your body. You are not the flesh suit. You are not the avatar. You are the spirit within. The divine driver behind the wheel. You have lived many lifetimes - as male, as female, and now as someone who is "confused." Confused, mind you, by a ruling class of elites who have worked tirelessly to make this existence as confusing, draining, and spiritually numbing as possible. The physical plane is a temporary illusion. The more you feed into it, the longer you will be stuck here, the more lives you will need to live to raise your vibration and ascend from here into the beyond - where your true self is waiting for you. You -are- my bestie. I love you. I want what's best for you, and to see you thrive and make it out of here - to realize your true power and potential, to stop sinking into the illusion of ego and embrace the Truth of love and spirit. I know that you can. I know that you will - whether it's still in this life, or another further down the road. Maybe much further. The longer you feed into the physical, the longer it will take. You are not your body. You are not your thoughts. You HAVE a body. You HAVE thoughts. You are the light inside. The voice in your head, struggling to be heard over the constant distractions, negativity, and your buzzing ego. Let it go. Seek within yourself. Seek Truth. Give up the illusion. I love you ♡

okay this is honestly word for word the speech my grandpa gave me right before screamed at me, disowned me, and then promptly died mad. This is so fuckin funny to me. But i'll humor you for a second, weird person who's clearly thought a little too much about these things. Stranger with a heart of hate.

it's so weird to me that people who talk so much about the spiritual, worry so much about the physical. i've really never understood that. You'd think that you'd care much more about what the spirt, soul, magic goo in ur heart that makes ya think, whatever you believe it is, wants over said skin bag. internally, i've known i was a woman since i was 6, and no, that's not because i was groomed into it. i also learned to hate that fact by the age of 12, and finally learned the word transgender at the age of 14. i was raised incredibly religious, sheltered from the outside word & barely knew about queer people. the reason i learned to hate it was because as life progressed, and i was expect to fill these silly gender roles society has laid out for us, i realized i hated doing them. i would look at whatever the girls were doing with envy and say "wow i wish that were me, but i understand that it can't be bc i wasn't born that way". i turned it inward. assumed there was something horribly wrong with me & i would just have to keep pushing through. but i was wrong.

when i learned the word "transgender" i had a fucking revelation. my inner self was screaming with happiness as a puzzle piece for my heart finally clicked in. i couldn't tell you why at the time, but it made perfect sense. i finally felt like i could be whole, instead of the empty shell of a person i had been raised to be. But still i was conflicted, because everything i was raised to believe told me that i couldn't have that. that i couldn't feel complete in that way. so my worldview crumbled.

i wasn't taught to be this way or "groomed by elites" (weird that you'd bring the jewish question into this lmao okay). it was years of introspection . years of feeling lost & empty, not myself. and you know what? even though no one in my life affirmed me & i was simply met with abuse, pain, and unacceptance when i tried to be more myself, i still think the way i do. there was no shadowy figure whispering in my ear that it was okay to be trans. the way i learned about transness was through the most hated blaire white, who hates trans people. and yet even throughout all of that, i still came a queer, trans, pansexual socialist

okay but now let's talk about the spiritual a little more. trust me, i reached out. i spent years praying to any god i could think of. i studied different religions because the god i was raised into never responded! funny how that works. i left my mind & heart very open to a higher power, to tell me i was wrong, to give me a reason to not be me, and nothing. no bright lights, no signs, no tingling in my toes. i simply felt nothing but loneliness. i visited death's door multiple times in the years i was getting abused, and the white light ppl talk about was never there. i felt nothing but alone as i got closer to whatever spiritual plane people like you talk about. even after all that im still open to there being some kind of higher power. i don't think there is, but at this point i really don't care. all i know that if it's in the form of the Christian god, i would have nothing but contempt for that god. the way a child would hate a parent who neglected or abandoned them. that god is no god of mine, and i'd much rather be warm, sucking his brother's dick :)

[mlgotg]

Do you think Nebula and Rocket used to fix each other up after fights during the time skip? Since there was only the two of them and both were extremely depressed I imagine they both tended to be pretty reckless.

I've been turning this ask over in my mind the last few days trying to think of some examples of them taking care of each other. Again, I was hoping I'd have some doodles prepared... but idk when that's gonna happennnn sorry friend </3

Their friendship is so special to me. I love that they started out not really liking or caring about each other that much initially and end up becoming besties. One of my favourite parts of playing the game was hearing Rocket call her a psycho because I'm like ohhh buddyyyy… In another life that psycho is in your Top 3 Closest Friends and also you're a bit of a psycho too on occasion so shut up. Anyway,

I tried not to get carried away with this but… ya

After Nebula and Tony are rescued, Rocket takes her to the med bay to get checked out. (He loathes going there usually.) Nebula is surprised that he's bothering and that he isn't mad at her. Rocket is not feeling much of anything Right Now but I think he's just glad that SOMEONE he knows is okay.

After Thor kills Thanos and they take everybody back to Earth, Rocket finally has the meltdown of the century. This is like. Nebula's second time ever attempting to comfort someone so it is VERY awkward and she's also pretty much ready to meltdown herself soooo. Yikes. Divas down!!!

After that, they're pretty much inseparable. When they aren't on Earth doing humanitarian aid they're aiding people elsewhere in the galaxy. When they aren't working, they still spend most of their time together. I think that out of the two of them, Nebula is the closest to the other Avengers. Particularly Nat and Tony. As terrible of a time as she's having emotionally, I think this is also one of the highest points in her life because she has friends for the first time. She has a job and gets to make her own choices, she gets to help people?? Unheard of. She's grateful to get a second chance. BTW Rocket is also "friends" with the Avengers, but I think he's too scared to admit they're more than coworkers to him. You can't lose more friends if you don't have any!! (Goofy floating in pool.gif) On the flip side, Nat and Tony consider him their friend. And Rocket is very popular among the remaining lab interns that work with Tony. His reluctance to make any more friends is soooo one-sided.

I don't want to get too specific abt this one bc I'm still brainstorming it. But at some point, Rocket gets injured in an accident. It's not life-threatening, but he's not allowed to work for a while and that frustrates him deeply. This is the catalyst for a downward spiral that is Not Fun for anybody involved. Nebula has to drag him kicking and screaming back into being a functional person again. 💀

Nebula gets a few upgrades over the years and Rocket does them all for her!! Neither of them are trusting of others, especially not when it comes to medical treatment/procedures. I think they handle 90% of those things by themselves and for each other. Rocket has some strong opinions on the "upgrades" Nebula endured in her childhood, a lot of them turned out to be actively holding her back and causing pain/discomfort. I think she had a lot of sensory issues before they worked on optimizing her settings and cybernetics properly. Not sure if Nebula had many chances to return the favour because I think Rocket is generally against being poked and prodded in any way. (Even if it's just her) And also on account of the kill switch established in V3? Honestly, I don't even know if the kill switch is gonna be a thing at all in my story?? Who knows, not me. These things come to be in dreams and visions.

Honourable mention: They've talked about Gamora a LOT. They both know things about her that the other might not necessarily. I imagine that they shared a lot of stories about her. And the other Guardians, but I think Gamora would come up the most because she's the only one they both had a close relationship with.

Thank you sm for the ask <3 I hope you enjoyed my ramblings. I think about these guys every day of my life….. If there's anything I mentioned that you want me to elaborate on lmk, I'll think about it some more and get back to you!

[gelastocoridae]

This week on wildlife rehab:

Adult sparrow who has victimized every staff member except me via biting with her sharp beak has found a different way to victimize specifically me: force me & all my interns to scramble along the floor like lizards with nets trying to catch her because she can't fly yet but she can certainly still outmaneuver my helpers and my old person joints

"don't make me use the bird hold on you" I say to an 84g bunny who is full of rage but not in a survival skills way

(he made me use my bird hold on him)

Released a poorwill who made eye contact & hissed at me the whole car ride

Oh your poorwills are rehabbed and gone? Here's a nighthawk

Miserable baby killdeer defies all odds. Continues to be miserable just to spite us

Front desk person walks in with a baby bird delivered in a paper towel, which I identify in 0.002secs and nearly die of heart attack bc IT IS THE FIRST DAY OF JUNE, WHY IS THERE A FEATHERED NESTLING GOLDFINCH??

"that's an auspicious sign" sjdhkdhsjdsk

Is that a clown horn? No it's a grackle

Adult finch developes subq emphysema. For once it ISNT because of a cat attack

Our flickers have become so plump they toppled over any bark perch we gave them so they got a new enclosure, eldest bab screams about it like the fussy baby she's always been

Window strike bird accidentally gets 3hrs in the oxygen chamber, brain no longer broken

So hatchling grackles are just like. Wads of gum

New baby crow, you know what that means: crow costumes, masks, and puppets to teach it that it is a crow

First dark eyed junco I've seen in two years and it's a nestling that is shockingly like a 50/50 hybrid of house sparrow and house finch. It has broken my brain. Umm... Why... What do we... How do we take care of this thing? Like, what protocols?? What are baby junco rules???

My first baby chickadees (on a day I just happen to be covering a shift) which are given to me specifically to work my "bird whisperer magic" so that other staff in ICU can more easily feed them. Y'all...

Like... my coworkers n boss are. entrusting sensitive bird bbs to me to teach, now 🥺 Asking for my input on their care plans.. 🥺💖 I have truly become bird godparent.. excuse me while I cry abt it

[aewrie]

mental health Thoughts

just reading through that list and going :) [internal screaming]

last couple of years or so have been interesting bc there's been a bunch of things that i've looked at again, i guess it's the time and distance, and just reluctantly admitting that yeah maybe xyz affected me worse than i wanted to think

for a few years now i've been going "man, adhd peeps keep being just a little too relatable sometimes" and then i bump into a random video about how childhood trauma/resulting ptsd can easily get mistaken for adhd in adults and just. yeah let's file that away for later just like everything else

then last december happened and and it got significantly harder to argue that this and that wasn't "that bad". like perhaps things that are "not that bad" don't actually leave you feeling miserable for days and out of it for a month some 20 years after they happened bc someone mentioned a thing that hit a little too close to home

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/14/24

12:02 a.m

Something I've noticed as a change for my constant auditory hallucinations is if I listen to chatter aka TV or podcasts or even sometimes when I'm in, "silence," is I hear it like, "screaming" it isn't louder. It's not really a scream.... in volume. It's more like an inaudible, "ahhhhh" like it wants to talk and can't verbalize. It has the same voice. I have been hearing it since the beginning of March.

I assume that is the voice "devocalizing." Like I said it's not loud... or louder. It's def not intelligent, creative or persuasive. It's not getting any quiter than a whispering echo though... it's the same volume but it's this weird, "ahhhhhhhhh" it's clearly trying to talk bc it's the same voice but it's unable to vocalize.

It's also like sometimes it can be really repetitive and I can focus on the screeching of the air conditioner the natural sound and I can turn the voice into the screeching making it sound like it's saying what it is saying but it sounds more nature and its easier to ignore, however I really have to try to do that. It takes focus and effort.

The voice is excessively repetitive and lacks intelligence. It's only intelligent when it repeats my internal monologue. Which it does like 50% of the time, it used to more. I have more quiet thoughts. I feel like that, "ahhh" is truly devocalization occurring. Maybe I'll recover one day but I'm not holding my breath.

I just wish i could meet someone be proven wrong that soulmates don't exist. And just love their children. Feel wanted, needed, be helpful. My hallucination would drastically lessen if I was not isolated and if I was surrounded by people. I've been trying to be social so I don't hallucinate as much, also I don't expect Kristen to lose her license. I don't expect to find a partner. I don't expect to recover. I expect to overdose tbh. It's coming. Especially if Kristen gets her life of luxury when I lost my ability to sit in silence and feel internal peace.

I'd say being a voice hearer was interfering with my ability to find someone but truly I don't even get through the swiping part... none of my personality is getting considered. I took trans off my profile, cause I'll never find someone with that at the top of my bio. Idk what I got to do to pass the swiping test.

I've given up on thinking Elise is my soulmate. What do I think?

She loves her husband, they are happy. I'm happy for them both especially her. I think she cares deeply about me and would be my friend but can't bc of professional constraints that will eventually not be a problem but for now they are. I expect I'll hear from her in 2 years minimum. Maybe 5 years maximum. I expect I may never hear from her.

I still love her, I still think she's my soulmate but not really cause soulmates don't exist. If soulmates existed she would be getting a divorce. If soulmates existed she would message me the only way she knows how. I expect if anything she's going to be my friend eventually and it'll be some insignificant nothing relationship. If I ever get married which won't happen cause no one would be stupid enough to do that, maybe she will be at my wedding smiling. I don't expect her to ever be my girl. I don't expect her to show up.

I do believe we had something special and i believe we may at some point in the future if I'm still here. I don't expect it to be romantic but I don't expect it to be fulfilling. My expectation is she will be like Katelyn or Tee. A BFF but it won't fill this hollowing aloneness anyways. I'll only have that filled by a partner.

I realized to not be delusional at all, I can't expect her to show up. I can't even think she has feelings for me. It's even delusional to believe she cares about me genuinely. I'm going to be delusional in that regard. I remember her eyes and idc what anyone says. I know she cares still. However I have accept the harsh reality that her caring about me does not mean she's ever going to know me personally. The harsh reality is, she's going to live her life where she is, and I'm going to live my life where I am and I'm going to hope and dream she shows up for me. As the months go by I'll cope with abandonment. It's something I'm used to.

I won't dislike her. I won't resent her. I'll root for her silently over here and hope she's happy. That's all I can do.

[nopefer-art-tu]

OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE I ALMOST MISSED POSTING ABT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'S ANNIVERSARY???? im gonna get mushy here so if yall wanna skip this go for it i wont hold it against you lol but this movie means a lot to me (if u cant tell) and id just kinda like to share a little bit abt why

I remember when I first saw Brokeback, I'd been either a junior or senior in high school, and I had watched it with my ex. I literally have no clue how we got to watching it or who proposed we watch it in the first place, but I remember that even back then I had been incredibly moved by the story.

Cut to 5-6 years later, and in January of this year I'd been in the midst of a really, super dark depression thanks to some health issues that I've been dealing w for awhile now. It made it so that on top of COVID, I wasn't rly getting out of the house for anything but school, and even then doing that took a really big toll on my anxiety. So basically, from the time that the 2021 winter semester had ended for me in early December, to when school started back up again for the spring in late January, I hadn't left the house at all.

In mid January, like a week before school started back up for me, I was scrolling through Hulu, bored out of my mind and also trying to find something to occupy my time and thoughts w bc I'd been going stir crazy, and I saw that Brokeback had been listed again. I kinda lingered on it because I remember phil (@/senditothemoonn) had watched it like a month or two before and she had started talking abt it in our group chat and posting quotes abt it and stuff, and it had been awhile since I'd seen it so I was like hey! What the hell! Lets give it a watch, its time I watch it again anyways.

And like. Something happened to the world for me after that viewing. It was like it had blown apart, and when it came back together it was completelty rearranged for me.

I'm not entirely sure why that time around the movie has such a deep, DEEP impact on me when I had seen it before, and had been very touched by it back then. I think its partly that a. I never used to watch movies with subtitles, and so before I realized that I probably have issues with the way my mind processes sound, a lot of movie dialogue just kinda. Didn't get internalized by me for some reason? Even now when I rewatch old faves that I haven't seen with subtitles, I'm always astounded by what the hell theyre saying because I had never rly picked up on it before, lol.

And like...I mean if you've seen the movie then you already know this, but their accents and dialect are kinda hard to get through. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Heath as Ennis. Which isn't in any way a jab at him, I think every part of his performance is super thoughtful and well-crafted and every acting choice he makes serves the character in only positive ways. But when you already have issues processing audio, and when you have a character who's jaw is perpetually cleched so tight that the words literally have to "fight" their way out of his mouth, its just like. Not the best combination lol.

And so this time around when I saw the movie, I saw it with subtitles and it opened up a new dimension of the film to me. Honest to God, the first time I watched the movie, I had no idea that the shirts at the end were so signifigant because Jack had stolen Ennis'. I guess the first time I saw it, I didn't catch the part where Ennis talks about having left his damn shirt up there, and Jack just kinda shrugs it off and changes the subject. When I saw that moment this time, it didn't really strike me as anything important until the movie got to the end and you realize that Jack had kept the shirts all those long 20 years and UGH. I literally remember screaming with tears in my eyes, thats what happened to the shirt! There they are! And then when I saw that Ennis had put his shirt over Jack's to hang together on his closet door for the rest of his life? Dead. Dead, I was literally stabbed in the heart 50 million times and killed dead. I'd never made those connections before and now that I had I like. got it, yanno? I got why this was an oscar winner, and why people were sk devastated by its best picture loss. Not that I hadn't before, but it just hit so much harder.

So yeah, the subtitles probably had a lot to do w why its stayed lingering in my mind for a long while, but I also think its because in a few ways it kind of spoke to me and made me think about my health issues and the self-imposed quarantine that I'd put myself through for the better part of a year at that point.

To me, the whole story is about regret, about not taking the chances we have while we have them and having to learn to live with knowledge of the things we didn't let ourselves do and the memories we didn't let ourselves make.

I hadn't seen a lot of my family for awhile at that point because I just didn't want to be out of my house, and its only been recently that I realized how much life I've missed out on living for a good year and a half-ish or so. And like yeah, I have a reason, my health issues and super aggressive anxiety have kinda put me through the ringer. But I dunno like. I kind of empathized and related to Ennis' character in a really odd way, because he also let his fear control what he did and especially what he did not do, and for that, he ended up living a half-life and missed his chance of getting to spend his time with the person he loved the most.

For me, the fear of regret is one of my biggest motivators in doing literally anything. I've realized I don't want to end up like Ennis, isolating myself from my loved ones and missing out on the chance for love and life because of some issues I have. And I mean its not like they're not real issues. Just like the fears that motivated Ennis' actions, theyre very real concerns. But since seeing the movie, I've been a lot more proactive about seeing doctors and trying to get this shit fixed up, because I don't want to end up wasting my life away. I wanna find my Jack, and I wanna be happy, and I wanna live.

Anyways. Happy 17th birthday to my favorite movie in the world <3

[albatris]

alcohol tw but yes hi. cute post?

back in nanowrimo I wrote a scene where nat gets fucking off his face drunk on vodka then tries to make yvonne a pizza even though he can barely stand or see straight and also tries to braid quinn's hair and sobs about it because quinn's hair is not really long enough to braid properly but he spends like an hour trying anyway bc quinn's hair is very soft and pretty and he thinks it'll look nice

and I cannot emphasise enough that nat remembers none of this. and sober nat has never once expressed any sort of interest in braiding quinn's hair lmao. drunk nat also spontaneously declares that he would like to kiss and/or bite quinn (not with full on vampire teeth lmao) which sober nat also would not do. drunk nat has zero filter n is full of love for quinn and friends

but also >:3 because despite the fact that quinn is adamantly still all "I don't have any tender gay feelings for nat stop fucking pestering me alex I'm not going to confess my love there is no love in this heart you hear me" I've decided that after this incident

(which quinn still talks about with an air of irritation like "ugh that was such an ordeal you're such a dramatic and needy drunk I am never letting you near my alcohol again I had to stay up most of the night looking after your dumb ass")

and also lmao bc sober nat is back to being regular oblivious kind-of-emotionally-cagey nat and quinn is just kind of there like

after this incident quinn stops cutting their hair n just lets it grow out a bit. like. I'm p sure prior to this it's been the same length for years

no one particularly pays it any mind, it's not brought up outside of occasional casual comments on quinn's appearance but like. aww

lying down with their head on his lap at every opportunity or twirling their hair round their finger super obviously intending to be tempting or whatever. n internally screaming like "c'mon just comb your fingers through my hair again you fucking bastard that felt so nice and you were so gentle and no one is ever that gentle with me. please ask to braid my hair again please please it's getting long enough now :((( tell me how soft and pretty I am or I'm going to explode" with their heart beating so fucking fast

but yeah I do think nat just kind of starts absentmindedly playing with their hair one day, not even really noticing he's doing it. just like. idk. unthinkingly brushing his fingers along the fuzz of their undercut. maybe stroking their hair gently with one hand while he scrolls through his phone with the other. n quinn almost dies on the spot

[biaswreckingfics]

I love love love blurred lines so please bare with me bc i need to share my thoughts after reading pt8:

First of all, GREAT WORK AS ALWAYS BRITT!! I'M OBSESSED!! Also mc admitting she had uhm.. hot thoughts about sunwoo??? Multiple times?? And we know for sure sunwoo knows too bc those walls aint hiding a thing! I kinda wished we had more interaction between them but it also would feel out of place for mc since she's not really the confrontational type so her being in hiding def fits! AND SHE FINALLY REALIZED HER FEELIGS!! (no more “i think I am maybe growing a crush” heck yeah!!) Internally I screamed during the entire minjee thing and I am so so so glad sunwoo finally ended things with her - minjee (even tho I don't really like her) deserves someone who's into her just as much as she's into sunwoo, him “playing” with her when he knows it's not the right thing irked me a lot, plus her being in between to idiots who obv have feelings for each other and don't realize/act on it is so sad (they're all flawed characters, so props to you!!) and I hope mc gets her head in the game (yes, hsm reference very intended) and tells him she doesn't want him to move out!! Anyway, I've been wondering from the start what would happen if her og!roommate came back?? They only left for the rest of the school year, right? So the room won't be available for sunwoo forever either way?? All in all, I'm really excited how things turn out! Thank you for sharing your writing with us!! Lots of love and take care <33

I love it when yall share your thoughts, so I'm ready!! 😤😤

I've been trying to decide if it's hot or frustrating that Sunwoo knows what mc was doing behind closed doors and is tucking that little nugget away for (hopefully) a later date 🥴🥴

I can promise you that the lack of interaction between her and Sunwoo will definitely be made up for in the next part!! 😇😇

Also, you're right! We all deserve someone to love us, and as much as I don't like Minjee, she does deserve happiness 🙄🙄 lol. Now that Sunwoo is done messing around with her, hopefully she can move on and find someone else to give her affection to!!

Thank you for mentioning that they're all flawed characters bc I think that's what keeps a story evolving 🤧❤️. Plus, a fantastic hsm reference being thrown in there 👏👏 I love it lol.

I'm so happy you've enjoyed the journey so far!! I can't wait for you to read the rest!! ❤️❤️

[cataclysmofthemasses]

*Sees your reply to that Anon asking for an Astroturtle smut fic. Me, who has some explicit headcanons for the pairing* Oh no, please don’t judge me.

Seriously though I enjoy reading your TMS stories. The Astroturtle ones are my favorite. I have to ask, out of curiosity, do you plan on writing more Astroturtle stories? No I don’t mean ones with smut. I assume that’s not your thing.

Also, I’ve noticed that Mallard has become one of your favorites. Does this imply any possible fanfics starring him?

Hi anon! Nice to see ya :D

Future Cata here: this post is long, sorry! I tend to get excited and ramble :')

Not judging, honestly, as long as you don't go "hEY WRITE SOME SEX AND MAKE IT STEAMY" or drop into my inbox with "WatchMojo Top 10 Astroturtle Smut Headcanons" lmao.

I'm... well, see, on one hand I'm soooorta trying to figure out how to branch out into explicit stuff? Because a good author should be able to cover just about all major themes and topics? But also I'm definitely not taking requests for it (ever, do not ask @/people who think they can get away with it), I'm probably never going to publish it because I uniformly suck at it, and definitely not before I turn 18. So we can generalize and say "not my thing", it's not really my cup of tea so :').

(What is my cup of tea? Screaming into a Keep Notes draft and stacking as much trauma as I can on all my favorite characters to try to work through massive internalized homophobia/transphobia... Yeah, I've realized I have a "type", at least recently. Please give me good fluff fic ideas so I can write happy things again...)

Anyways, on to your questions!

Fun fact! I started an Astroturtle long fic draft like, after Season 3. It's been rotting in my works, maybe 1/3-1/4 complete, for over a year now, and I can't see myself getting back to it. A friend and I had planned it out together; now that we've fallen out massively, it further buried my already low desire to work on the fic. I could post what I have, but it feels disingenuous to pass it off as completely my own, and I don't want to stir up shit again with my former friend. Besides, it's not my best work (at least imo).

As for future Astroturtle fics, I do want to get back into writing them! But I also have a couple of other fics I'm working on. Hold on, lemme grab them. Not all are TMS though... Most aren't actually :')

- DSMP rewrite fic (Lies the Rebels Told Us, being updated as I write chapters which is HELLA slow but I definitely wanna get back into it. It's on Ao3 under my alt aphotic-serendipity. Fair warning, it's Schlatt-centric - I know a lot of people are not okay with him even as a character, so...)

- Definitely-never-gonna-be-canon oneshot of two of my favorite characters in a sorta-fringe game that people don't really write about. (King's Raid. It's so much fun, I love it, if you play I'll love you and give you tips and obsess over it indeterminately.)

- Backstory fic for my favorite RP character rn. (Probably never leaving that RP group tho bc I wouldn't have an audience, but I adore Shiloh, even if he'd hate me irl.)

- TMS Season 5 "Danganronpa"-esque fic. (Danganronpa in quotes because it is definitely not Danganronpa enough to qualify - you'll be able to tell I have never played the games. Saw another TMSxDangan fic and got inspired because - oh! one of my first followers (on my main, @tmsincorrectquotes ) writes some super cool Danganronpa stuff! tagging @mewmewchann here so you can check her out bc I adore reading Hope's Chains!! - so yea I saw what she's been up to and I thought "hey lemme try that but make it TMS!" haha.)

- One or two vague ideas that might or might not gain traction.

- And I can answer that Mallard question, because guess what? I WROTE A MALLARD ONESHOT A FEW DAYS AGO! It's my first real writing in a while so I'm stupidly proud of myself, bear with me. I'm either going to publish it today or tomorrow, depending on when I force myself to do it and if anyone reads it haha. And I think I have another idea in the works :D

As for Astroturtle... Outside of the aborted fic, I really don't have ideas for them rn - at least, not any I'd see myself writing. I'm always open to good ideas though! I'll definitely think a little more about them in the future and see if I can't get something to snowball :)

I tend to write oneshots in literally one shot, mostly from 11 PM to 2 AM, which does not mesh well with waking up at 4 AM for school (in New Jersey but remote learning at a Swiss university). In addition, life's been kicking me in the ass recently and I have a lot of assignments to do - off the top of my head, I have at least three, if not four, 1000+ word essays and a speech to do for/by next week. That's not saying I'm never going to write again, mind you, but don't expect miracles :')

Also, endnote - I'm so happy people still read my stuff!!! Like, I've had people who tell me over a year later that "oh my god I adored Double Stake or Split and it's made me ship Piquet and look at these headcanons" and I ALWAYS die a little inside from sheer joy. Btw, for anyone who might be so inclined: You can ALWAYS write inspired works from my stuff or draw stuff from it or design things or even animate them if you're that much of a god! Just please tag me (and credit please) so I can see them and simp massively. I love you all, really.

Okay, I've rambled enough. Cata out! o7

[thatawkwardsorcierdefrance]

DEAR WITCHBLR, I AM AN IDIOT.

My name is Noah, and I'm a baby male witch from France. I started to practice extremely recently, like some weeks ago, but I've been reading and looking into witchcraft for years - I sort of wanted to know if it really suited me before getting started.

I'm still learning, but my path seems to be aiming towards hellenistic/eclectic witchcraft.

Anyway.

I started small, like really small things, and I did a stupid, idiotic, moronic mistake.

Even though I had read everywhere that before doing anything it was better to do some warding, I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO WARD MYSELF AND MY FLAT/APPARTMENT.

So.

I'm an idiot.

And yesterday, around 2am right before I went to bed after finishing some chores I had lazily postponed, something terrifying happened.

My flat (sorry it's shorter) is on the 2nd floor, and to access it you need to pass through a big green door which is impossible to open from the outside without the key, walk through a small internal paved court, open a glass-door which super old and makes the most awful of noises in the world - like a dying seagull. Then, there's a first corridor, then some stairs, tadaah! Here are two flat doors, my brother's (who isn't here yet) and mine.

So.

It's 2am, I'm dying bc of the 35°C and let all of my windows opened, and it happens: the glass-door with the oh so recognizable sound opens, with no fucjinf apparent reason.

My neighbors are asleep, and I didn't hear the big green door being crashed so...

Wtf.

I sent a text to my neighbors, asking if it was them, but no reply, so they WERE asleep.

And as the moron I am, I decided to ignore it and to go to bed anyway, with the worst gut-feeling of my entire existence - my whole body was telling me to run, but I was like "I'd love to, but I have no where to go", and I still didn't think about warding - yes, award winning imbecile.

I can't sleep for a solid hour, and the wind seemed to scream at me to move the fuck away from there, but I wasn't sure, I thought that I was overthinking things, like always.

And then, a dog howls, like a pure wolfy howl to the moon, and I'm straight up on my feet, burning to get the hell out of here.

I was calling my neighbors, to know if it was their dog, who's an absolute sweetheart, who howled, and I got out of my room while the phone was ringing and then

Fucj

There was something right in front of my door.

I swear to whoever you want I was shitting my pants because my whole bloody being was screaming THERE'S SOMETHING THERE, RIGHT THERE, DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER

It didn't help that my neighbor had switched on the corridor's light, because fuck

There were feet

Moving fucjink feet in front of my door

My neighbor's girlfriend answered my phone and asked what was wrong I was like pls tell me it's your dog in front of my door and

She told me that Milka, her dog who's an absolute SWEET PIE, who never angrily bark or has never threatened any fucking stranger, who sleeps soundly at night and loves ear rubs more than anything, woke them up because he was GROWLING. Gorwling. Like. Motherfucker. Milka is a sweet potato but he's also a fucking huge muscled monster, so when he growls, it's horrible

Her boyfriend was checking the corridors and all when I called them, and even after he got up the stairs, the shadow didn't go away, and there's nothing there usually in case it wasn't already cleared

All night I heard weird noises from my brother's flat, like something loud falling - my brother's moving in tomorrow, so it's his home it's currently fucking EMPTY

Right now, I just some keychain noises, and there's fucking no goddam body there I shitting myself

I spent my entire day cleansing my flat, smoking it up entirely with incense I usually use for meditation and praying (sandalwood, chamomile, vanilla) but it's the only one I have currently (broke af), i lit up a white candle, drew pentacles with the incense stick in each room, cleaning my floor and windows with boiled vinegar, hot water and eucalyptus essential oil (smells terrible but if it works lmao I don't fuckkng care)

And now I present you these

Warding vials, with everything that could help me protect my home and that I already had

Seasalt

Tiger's Eyes

Bronze wax

I made four, one for each room of my flat

Let us hope folks